MIKE COLMAN reveals Australia’s best and worst sports commentators

The footy’s approaching the halfway mark, the Big Bash has done its dash and the Ashes are just about to appear in the rear-view mirror. 

That can only mean one thing. It’s time for the biggest event on the Australian TV commentary calendar. The annual Loudie Awards.

Yes viewers, back by popular demand, the Loudies will once again be presented to the best, brightest and biggest mouths on our screens, with every commentator in the business waiting with bated breath to see who wins the most coveted award of the airwaves, the Gold Loudie.

Who can forget when the legendary rugby league commentator Rex Mossop made it back-to-back wins in 1975 and 1976, describing the unprecedented honour as ‘like deju vu all over again and again’? Or the emotional win of AFL caller Dennis Cometti in 1989 when he praised the judges’ decision as ‘centimetre perfect’.

And then of course there was that never to be forgotten moment when the late great Norman ‘Nugget’ May accepted his 1992 award with the immortal words, ‘Gold, gold, gold to … me’.

Whoever follows in their mighty footsteps will have to be, as Mossop would say, ‘a perambulating mountain who runs (off at the mouth) like a deer’ but before we find out who that commentator is, there are a whole raft of other awards to be presented, and first up it’s the Silver Loudie for Most Outspoken Commentator.

Some big winners of this one in the past, with Sam Newman obviously figuring heavily between the late-1990s and mid-2000s. Last year it was a no-contest with Nine’s AFL Sunday Footy Show panellist Kane Cornes taking an unbeatable lead by calling the iconic 1970 grand final mark by Alex Jesaulenko ‘overrated’.

We’ve had nothing to compare with that so far this year, but the award still goes to Fox NRL 360 regular Paul Kent for his body of work. Pugnacious, dogmatic and never one to back down from an argument, Sydney newspaper columnist Kent once told a disgruntled reader who threatened to come to his office and bash him, ‘Extension 3280. Ring on approach’ and hung up.

Next up it’s one of the most fiercely contested awards on the list, the Michael Clarke Award for Most Polarising Personality.

With cricket commentator Michael Slater sadly ineligible as he’s still in quarantine after escaping the unspeakable horrors of his luxury beachfront villa in the Maldives, this came down to a two-horse race between former Collingwood Coleman Medal winner Brian ‘BT’ Taylor, and ex-NSW Blues coach Phil ‘Gus’ Gould.

In past years Gus has had a mortgage on this award with rugby league fans split straight down the middle between those he drives crazy and those he drives crazy slightly less, but in recent times BT has made a late charge.

Still on a high after his 2019 refusal to pronounce the surname of former Essendon, now Port Adelaide, forward Orazio Fantasia as the player had requested (‘Fan-tay-sia’) and sticking with his own version (‘Fan-tay-sha’) because ‘we live in Australia not Italy’ he further riled viewers last season when he and now-retired co-commentator Bruce McAvaney engaged in a bizarre body shaming of Essendon star Jake Stringer in which McAvaney noted that Stringer was ‘big through the backside’. 

More recently he has got offside with on-air colleagues such as ex-players Luke Hodge and Jimmy Bartel, upset journalists including Channel 7 stablemate Tom Browne, and continued to divide the opinion of the AFL viewing public.

All of which leaves just one thing to be said: BT, please come up and accept your award.

Moving right along it’s the Goose Award for Best Wingman, which goes to the outstanding ‘number two’ commentator on air.

There’s a strong field for this one, with Channel 7’s AFL boundary rider Daisy Pearce, Fox Cricket’s Mark Waugh and Andrew ‘Roy’ Symonds, Nine league’s Andrew ‘Joey’ Johns, and Fox NRL’s Braith Anasta and Greg ‘Brandy’ Alexander all in the mix.

There can only be one winner though, and it’s Brandy Alexander who, as a commentator, is exactly like he was as a player: quick, accurate, and always on the ball.

The Alan McGilvray Award for Longevity is between Channel 7’s 69-year-old AFL legend Leigh Matthews, Nine league doyen Ray Warren, 77, and the man with the million dollar laugh, Fox Cricket’s Kerry ‘Skull’ O’Keeffe.

Everything that comes out of Lethal Leigh’s mouth bears listening to, while the familiar sound of Rabbits Warren’s mellifluous voice in the background is as much a part of rugby league season as the chirp of a referee’s whistle, but the award this year goes to Skull.

It’s not easy to combine an encyclopaedic knowledge with the humour, timing and delivery of a class clown, but at 71 years of age Skull manages it by watching and studying cricket every day of the off-season, and simply being himself behind the microphone. It’s a class act that has him laughing all the way to the bank.

The Kevin Pietersen Award for Most Irritating Commentator has been engraved with some legendary names over the years, including Geoffrey Boycott, Mark Nicholas, Shane Warne, and rugby union’s Rod Kafer (to say nothing of Pietersen himself).

Joining them this year is Fox NRL’s Cooper Cronk who has given new meaning to the term ‘stating the bleedin’ obvious’. 

The former Storm and Roosters halfback has made an art-form of recalling in minute detail what viewers have just seen and is apparently paid a bonus for every time he says ‘skill-set’. 

From Fox’s point of view the good thing is that Cronk makes serial pest Michael Ennis seem almost appealing.

And finally, it’s time for the big one, the Gold Loudie, awarded to the best commentator on the airwaves.

It’s always a contentious decision, with no shortage of differing opinions over who should and should not have taken home the trophy (long-time Loudie afficionados still talk about the night Lou Richards and Tony Greig went toe-to-toe in the Hilton carpark after the 1992 event).

But this year, surely there can be no debate. This winner has it all: insightful knowledge, sparkling personality and the voice of an angel …. no, sit down Ian Chappell, it’s not you … the winner of the 2021 Gold Loudie is … drum roll please … Fox Cricket’s Isa Guha.

Thankyou for your attendance. See you next year.